The Little Big List of Rules
by dead drifter
Summary: This is the list of rules posted in the kitchen of the Akatsuki house in my Crack Fic universe, anyway. Whether anyone in Akatsuki actually READS it is questionable. But you should read it. Because the evil Gumby mailbox posted at the curb said so.


**The Little Big List of Rules **

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Naruto or anything else. **

**Warning: Cursing, Sexual Content, Graphic Violence and Crack. Rated M for Moo. **

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1. Obey your Leader.

2. Do NOT feed the neighbors to Zetsu.

3. Do NOT attack Itachi when he's vulnerable (as in while sleeping, reading, watching television, using the restroom or painting his nails. Itachi will sic Kisame on your ass.)

4. Make sure to knock before you enter any room with a door. Especially Sasori's closet.

5. Do NOT enter Hidan's sacrificial chamber, because once inside, you are likely to be sacrificed yourself.

6. If you mess it up, clean it up.

7. Always remember to recycle. Return any used paper products to Konan (except for toilet paper. That gets flushed down the toilet, Tobi.)

8. Do NOT call Kakuzu the "F" word. (Not the word you're probably thinking, the other one. The one that has to do with various dead body parts being sewn together by a mad scientist in order to create a living monster man. You are likely to end up with your kidneys replaced with squeaky dog toys, and your real kidneys being sold for a handsome price on the black market. )

9. Sasori is not a sex toy, and should not be treated as such. (Unless he agrees to it.)

10. Do NOT mess with Deidara's coffee and/ or coffee paraphernalia. He will shove clay up your ass and blow you to smithereens.

11. Always ASK before touching Konan's breasts. Even when given the OK, it is wise to just not ask at all. She will likely let you have a squeeze before slicing your hands to ribbons with her paper cut bitch slap no jutsu.

12. Do NOT touch Kisame's Samehada. It bites.

13. Do NOT pet Kakuzu's masked demons. They bite, and one of them (Mr. Chiclets) will rape you if you get too close.

14. Do NOT let Zetsu wander past the kitchen. He isn't house trained, and any messes he leaves will be YOUR responsibility to clean up. And NO, you cannot say you're training him.

15. Always keep your nails properly manicured, as part of the dress code. A failure to do so will result in having Zetsu do your nails himself. (And you really don't want to know what he uses to hold the nail polish applicator. Hint: It's in his pants.)

16. Do NOT purchase and/ or smuggle illegal food items into the house. If you have a request for a snack, fill out the Snack Suggestions form and give it to Kakuzu. If he approves of it, he will add it to the grocery list. If he disapproves, you are not to bring it into the house. (This means NO Hot Cheatos or Mountain Dew, Deidara! Coke is approved because of Leader's overriding the Junk Food Ban.)

17. Do NOT mock the Junk Food Ban. Kakuzu will replace your lungs with balloons, and your real lungs will end up being sold for a handsome price on the black market. (Unless of course you are a chain smoker like Konan, who couldn't get a chipped penny and an ancient pre-chewed wad of gum scraped off of the underside of a high school desk for her black shriveled prunes she calls lungs.)

18. NEVER attempt to use the private bathroom of Pein and Konan. Providing you are able to break into the bedroom, that is. If you are discovered to having been using the Jacuzzi bathtub, Pein will pluck out your eyes and order Zetsu to skull fuck you until you die of shock.

19. Do NOT replace any lighting in the house with strobe lights. Doing so will give Hidan seizures, and Leader will dock your pay. (This means you, Kakuzu!)

20. Do NOT mention Sasuke to Itachi. He will temporarily go (more) insane, turn his own Mangekyou Sharingan against himself, and likely stay in Sharingan La La Land for three to five business days.

21. Do NOT sabotage any food items or medications with explosive material. (Got that Deidara?)

22. During the holiday season, you MUST kiss under the mistletoe. Failure to do so will result in getting your head bashed in with a stocking full of bricks. (And no, kissing under the mistletoe does not automatically give you homosexual tendencies, Hidan!)

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**A/N: The whole idea of having your kidneys replaced with squeaky dog toys is from a skit on Mad TV.**


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